What will you do after the Surge?

POSTED BY , 10 July 2007

In a "town hall" meeting in Cleveland today, the President made clear he'll be following General Petraeus to Hell and back again as he outlined his plan for Iraq after the military surge. We'll find out just what that means when Petraeus releases his report on Iraq in September, but until then, we have nothing to worry about. The President promises it will all be okay in the end. "I believe we could be in a different positon... in awhile," he assured the audience. President Bush to the rescue. "I'm going to play it as commander-in-chief," he said. Phew.

In honor of this proud moment in American history, we've compiled a Top Ten Things To Do After the Surge list. Now, we apologize in advance for our lack of creativity: climbing on top of a forklift and playing construction would, clearly, be our number one, but the President actually did that.

Top Ten Things To Do After the Surge

1. Have a cigarette. You owe those guys down in Carolina, after all.

2. Find Petraeus. Where's Petraeus. You're counting on him. Find Petraeus.

3. Take a deep breath, it's time to get ready for the surge at home: the Great TV Heist. TV's are the only reason people know how bad it is out there anyway. Great plan. You're brilliant.

4. Seek advice from top aides on large-scale televisual abduction. Don't worry, you're protected by Executive Privilege! Take that, Congress.

5. Evil laugh. You've been practicing it in front of the bathroom mirror for three months straight and Laura did say it was ready. Go on, do it.

6. Check TV to see how good your empire looks today. Can't find TV, but hands have become suspiciously bloody.

7. Take a shower. You're feeling a little dirty.

8. Wait. Where's Patraeus? Hmm. Light that other cigarette. Go on, you've got good healthcare.

9. Time to find your Commander-in-Chief hat! Ooh, dress up! The best part of the day!

10. All dolled up and ready to go, it's time to leave! Find that different position you've been talking about. We suggest you take your belongings with you.